So In around 4 hours is my final exam for military history, I’ll be honest, I hate the class. The one good thing about it is that instead of a test, we just have a group presentation that was so simple that it did not really need to be a group project, but oh well. We had to research a “warrior” and decide that if this warrior was fighting against another kind of warrior, who would win. Much like the show Deadliest Warrior (that was actually the name of the assignment). I was fortunate enough to get the British Royal Marines, they would be facing the Army Rangers. Researching the other side was not part of the project, but on the reflection portion, it asks who do you think would win. I said it would be a tie, then, due to the things in the above title, I made a story mapping out what would happen (When I say British influence, I mean that I have been reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and I’ve gotten very into it). So here it is. XD
Then again that is only my opinion based on the ‘facts’ I have researched, but in reality, this is how it would probably happen (please note that this is not really a part of my reflection, I just like to write a lot and I got this idea and felt the need to include it in my reflection. Also, I do recognize that many of the statements in this fictional piece on how certain things work are completely false.): The Army Rangers are on the offensive, (because no matter what, America always is) trying to figure out how to attack. There are many confused soldiers, this has nothing to do with the Army Rangers themselves, it’s just with such a large amount of people, statistically speaking there is bound to be at least one or two odd-balls with the attention span matching the guns they carry. They raise their hands asking what’s going on. The commanding officer sees this coming. So he sets up his Xbox 360 and explains the battle plans the only way he knows these simpletons will understand, through Call of Duty: Black Ops. After many rounds of “It’s my turn next” and “Oh snap, a head shot” they finally understand it and are ready to move out. Meanwhile, the British are on the other side having tea and discussing their boastingly high resistance to flesh wounds. “Let’s be honest Farnsworth,” one of the Marines says while sipping his tea making sure to extend his pinky, “it is just a flesh wound.” They laugh to themselves at the wonderful joke that they concocted, all the while the Army Rangers are moving in slowly and steadily all the while carrying a secret weapon, one like no other gun or artillery seen before. Despite their efforts to be covert, the British detect their movements before they get in attacking range. The Royal Marines scurry into their defense formations; of course they make certain that, while the chaos of battle formations is going on, the china tea cups stay safe. The saucers in which the tea cups were placed on is another story, the owner of these saucers never liked them in the first place due to the fact that they didn’t quite match the tea cups themselves. Unfortunately, he never had a good reason to get rid of them, so if they were to happen to get destroyed in the soon to be chaos, he would feel quite indifferent about it.
The British get in their battle formations and start shooting with precision at the Army Rangers that are coming up. At this point the Americans’ covers are blown, so they do a sort of stumbling charge towards the British base that they are attacking. The highest ranking officer is having an argument with a private behind some random car, like one of those cars that you can always find on a battle field, the ones that are incredibly old and make you question how it got there in the first place. Through the use of hand signals, the commander says to the private that he does not want to use the secret weapon yet. The private then argues, through the use of hand signals, that to thin the enemy lines, they may as well use it now. Unfortunately, due to a previous battle, the private is missing his left-hand pinky and right-hand ring finger. Thus, the message the private gives to his commander is skewed to the point that he actually says some terribly nasty things about the commander’s mother and how she had big pores (thankfully that part of the message was also skewed). The commander is shocked at the private’s response and he looks him in the eye and gives him a gesture that simply says “I did not appreciate that and I will most likely never forgive you. If you were to end up like that Brit’s china saucer over there, I wouldn’t feel in any way bad”. The commander then leaves the private behind the car to join another group of soldiers in hopes of making more progress in this battle. The private gets up on his feet while still remaining behind the car that seemed to have no purpose, but then he saw something in the corner of his eye. To him this was such an amazing discovery because so many friends have asked this question rhetorically and the private would always feel obliged to say something, but he never knew what to say because he never knew the answer. “Today I’ve finally figured it out! I’ve got to tell someone!” the private thinks to himself. Much to his misfortune, he has no time to tell any of his friends. The reason being is because the thing he found out about, the topic of so much unanswered questions was “What is the purpose of those cars?” I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with doom, gloom, and loom, and it has a ‘B’ in it.
“Boom!” shouts the tea drinking Brit. He is quite overwhelmed with happiness because of two reasons. One, his idea of rigging that useless and incredibly old car with explosives actually worked, and of course because fire, like what is caused by explosions, makes him as giddy as schoolgirl who just found her favorite shade of lipstick. And two, he now has a perfectly good reason to get new china saucers to replace those ones that didn’t match the tea cups. He looks over to Farnsworth who is manning his automatic rifle shooting down the enemy. The tea drinker says to Farnsworth “I told you it would work” with a sly smile.
Farnsworth looks distastefully at the tea drinker and says “It may have blown up, but that has does not mean it actually did anything useful.” Tea drinker then replies to Farnsworth with the face of a child whose mom didn’t buy him the most wonderful toy in all of England for Christmas.
“It blew up! Just let me have my moment, won’t you?” Farnsworth sighs in reply. Tea drinker then gets out his binoculars to assess the damage of his wonderful idea. Near the wreckage there lays a body of an unnamed private, and a box that says ‘Secret Weapon’ on it, this makes Tea drinker very uneasy. “Farnsworth? If a box were to be, let’s say this big,” he motions with his hands a box shape to show the size of the box, “what sort of secret weapon could fit in it?” Farnsworth makes a puzzled expression, and then realizes that Tea drinker’s troubles were not his concern, so he went on with shooting down the enemy.
Farnsworth, of course, was wrong to shrug this matter off. As it just so happens, within that box is a creature, a small creature maybe, but nonetheless terrifying. At least to the British anyway. Also, at this point the Army Rangers are near the point of retreat, they’ve lost many men due to the lack of cover and they are slowly running out of ammo. The commander then looks towards the wreckage, and to his amazement, the ‘Secret Weapon’ is unharmed. “There may be hope yet!” thinks the commander. He then gathers his troops towards the wreckage in hopes of covering the ‘Secret Weapon’ long enough for it to make its attack. Unfortunately, they are too slow; the ‘Secret Weapon’ has already made its escape.
As it hops out of its box, the Royal Marines see it and look upon it with horror. It is one of the most horrifying creatures in British History. The creature was none other than… A RABBIT!
The Royal Marines are so horrified that they start to shoot without precision in the general direction of the rabbit; even when the other soldiers were in the general direction of the rabbit. At one point the Marine’s numbers fall incredibly low, giving the Army Rangers a perfect window of opportunity to strike. They charge into the enemy base as they are still in shock from the rabbit. They open fire on the British Marines giving them no time to surrender. The slaughter then comes to an end when all noticeable threats were eliminated. The rabbit at this point is still hopping near the wreckage. The Army Rangers take a sweep around the whole base to make sure there is no one hidden. Fortune frowns upon them though because they over look two very crucial things. One, Tea drinker, though gravely wounded, is still to some extent alive. Two, sitting very near to the base is a parking lot, each parking spot was labeled. Four spots said ‘Jeeps’, six spots said ‘humvees’, and the last three were labeled ‘Oddly misplaced cars that are incredibly old and useless’. Tea drinker mumbles something incoherent to himself, his jaw was badly hurt in the shooting, but what he was trying to say was “Look at that Farnsworth, I told you this was a good idea”. Tea drinker then pushes the button to his homemade device, unfortunately this time; there was no one to acknowledge the fact that his ideas were quite useful at times.
The smoke soon clears from the big explosion. All that is left is the rabbit who is living proof that British soldiers should try to be more understanding of people, because if they took a moment to think and try to understand the rabbit, they would realize that it was not a beast at all. In fact, some of the rabbit’s hobbies are long frolics in the meadows and working with PETA in all of their ads. If they did that, then they wouldn’t have ended up the way they are now.
The smoke is now entirely cleared, the rabbit starts to hop over to the new wreckage of the base, it hops into the base and stops when it sees something that makes it slightly sick to its stomach. It looks down at the sickly display and thinks to itself, “That is such a darling tea cup saucer, it’s a shame that it’s broken.”
